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Spanking Theatre

Spanking stories for the theatre between your ears

Month

January 2016

Who would you most like to spank you?

Who would you most like to spank you?

Love the French book you’re translating, who would have thought the olden days were so naughty!

Very true. Our ancestors may have lived in more prudish times, but every generation seems to have had a number of wonderfully kinky and devious minds, who felt compelled to scribble down some great erotic writing, despite the social mores of their time. 

So what a joy it is to be able to go back in time through the written word, and glimpse behind that prudish façade

Love the French book you’re translating, who would have thought the olden days were so naughty!

Very true. Our ancestors may have lived in more prudish times, but every generation seems to have had a number of wonderfully kinky and devious minds, who felt compelled to scribble down some great erotic writing, despite the social mores of their time. 

So what a joy it is to be able to go back in time through the written word, and glimpse behind that prudish façade

One of my earliest stories, now on Medium. But the notion of the fantasy roleplay weekend is, in my eyes, still just as hot…

Cosmopolitan

One of my earliest stories, now on Medium. But the notion of the fantasy roleplay weekend is, in my eyes, still just as hot…

Cosmopolitan

The Young Girls’ Handbook of Good Manners

I’m now halfway through my translation of Pierre Louys’ classic erotic text, making this a good time to look back on what’s been posted so far. A chance to enjoy not just some great ribald jokes, but also some beautiful accompanying paintings from some wonderful fin de siècle artists…

more to come…

The Young Girls’ Handbook of Good Manners

I’m now halfway through my translation of Pierre Louys’ classic erotic text, making this a good time to look back on what’s been posted so far. A chance to enjoy not just some great ribald jokes, but also some beautiful accompanying paintings from some wonderful fin de siècle artists…

more to come…

At the Theatre

AU THEATRE

image
image

Image: Danseuse – Pierre Carrier-Belleuse, 1898.

I

Ne mettez pas la main sur le pantalon de votre voisin pour voir si le ballet le fait bander.

Do not put your hands on your neighbour’s pants to check if the ballet has given them a hard-on.


II

Si vous remarquez qu’une danseuse a les cheveux blonds et les aisselles noires, ne demandez pas tout haut pourquoi.

If you notice that a dancer has blonde hair and black armpits, do not comment aloud.


III

Ne dites pas non plus tout haut: «C’est cette grande brune-là qui couche avec papa!» Surtout si madame votre mère vous accompagne.

Do not exclaim: “There’s the beautiful brunette who’s sleeping with Daddy!” Especially if your mother is with you.


IV

Même si vous avez des renseignements complets sur les talents de la troupe, ne dites pas pour toute la loge: «Celle-là suce comme une pompe; elle tue qui elle veut; et celle d’à-côté, elle marche par le cul».

Even if you have comprehensive information on the talents of the troupe, do not tell the whole establishment: “That one sucks like a pump; she bags anyone she wants; and the one over there – she’s a walking pussy.”


V

Si vous entendez, dans la pièce, des facéties un peu risquées, des allusions, des à-peu-près, ne les expliquez pas aux grandes personnes, même si les grandes personnes ont l’air de ne pas comprendre.

If you hear, in the room, some risky jokes or allusions, do not explain them to your elders, even if the grown-ups do not seem to understand.


VI

Ne demandez pas non plus pourquoi le beau ténor n’enfile pas la soprano qui chante tout le temps comme si elle mouillait. Cela ne se fait guère sur la scène.

Do not ask either the handsome tenor why he doesn’t fuck the soprano who is continually singing like she’s soaking wet. This is hardly ever done on the stage.


VII

Si le rôle de l’amant est tenu par une femme travestie, ne hurlez pas à travers le théâtre: «Sale gousse! Rince ta langue! Ous-qu’est ton godmiché?» et d’autres phrases impertinentes que le public n’entendrait sans protestations.

If the role of the lover is played by a woman in disguise, do not yell throughout the drama: “Dirty lesbian! Rinse your tongue! Where’s your dildo?” and other impertinent phrases that the audience will not tolerate without protest.

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