I’m very sorry to hear that your kinky side is currently bringing you such sorrow, rather than joy.

But you are certainly not alone. All across the world there are people whose upbringing and social taboos have made them deeply ashamed of who they are, and how they feel.

What you’re experiencing now is no different to what generations of gay people  felt before coming out. That crushing sense of shame, a feeling of somehow being all wrong. Human beings are social animals, in the past, being cast out from the tribe could have been a lethal consequence of not fitting in. So we’re mentally wired to feel a deep unease when we don’t conform.

Being kinky, like being gay, is simply a sexual preference – albeit one that goes against the mainstream hetero-normal view of what sex “should be”. 

In 2017, no right-minded person would think of shaming someone for being gay. Society is more accepting of different sexual preferences now. Your challenge is to become more accepting of yourself – to build up your own esteem, to come to understand that your kinks make you unique and deeply interesting, not weird and dirty.

Please don’t develop an anxiety about people “knowing your secret”. I know people can be malicious, and sometimes what’s said or done in the bedroom can be used to bully and humiliate. But as I wrote in the post on sexual confidence, it’s an important life skill to learn to dismiss shamers and bullies.

“It’s a grown-up thing, man. You wouldn’t understand…”

It might also help to remember this number: 125 million.

125,000,000. That’s the number of copies Fifty Shades of Grey has sold around the world. That’s not just the number of people who’ve glanced at it and thought it was interesting. That’s the number who’ve actually paid for it.

Repeat after me.

Kink is cool. If you believe kink is cool.

Kink is cool, because kink is cool.