An anonymous reader writes:
Thank you very much for pointing out the distinction between failing on
purpose and failing due to other responsibilities. I find I am so
wrapped up in the WHAT sometimes that I miss the WHY. I took your
advice, and spent my evening writing an essay. If you don’t mind, I
would like to take you up on your offer and share it with you.
Why I Need to be Punished
Guilt is a powerful force. While I do not know why we put ourselves
through it, I would guess it has to do with our evolution. We have
evolved to be social animals and feeling guilt (or sometimes even the
mere thought of it) helps curb selfish desires for the good of the
group. In this way, a negative feeling nets a positive result-
experiencing it can help someone grow. Such power also comes at a price. When left unresolved or internalized
for too long, guilt can become paralyzing. It can make someone spiral
down- and make them shrink.
In only 25 years I have managed to accumulate my fair share of guilt.
Some of it stems from small, harmless if not naughty gambits for a
reaction. On the other hand, over the years there has also been blatant
defiance- some truly bad behavior. These have been my choices- my
actions, my words. Left unaddressed, they have eaten away at me.
I grew up in a chaotic but loving household. There were few rules and
fewer consequences. We were encouraged to fail, to learn, and to move
on. I struggled with failure, but more importantly, I struggled with
I find it all too easy to spiral into a cycle of self-criticism. Every
time I make a mistake it becomes another reason to stop trying and
That is no way to live. I need to move on. I needed
resolution. I craved punishment for my misdeeds.
I started looking up “spanking” in the dictionary when I was 12. The
internet eventually led me to self-spanking, and what a relief it was to
see it wasn’t just me who has the urge to smack my own bottom! As a
teen I began experimenting, and eventually found myself regulating my
guilt and then actions through spanking. I would write rules down in the
back of my school note books- like going to bed at a reasonable hour or
being nice to my sister, even when she was being annoying!
This was the
discipline I wasn’t getting. While some see rules as confining, I feel
just the opposite. Rules created with self-improvement in mind provide a
structure to thrive in- just like a tomato cage helps the plant to grow
tall and produce its best fruits, rules and discipline help me do the
With discipline I can fail, and instead of spiralling downward I am caught by the
safety net that is punishment- specifically spanking.
The ritual of spanking (performed alone or with another’s help) is very
much a cleansing rite for me. When I am put in the corner and scolded my
transgressions are clearly defined. There is no doubt. When my bottom
is bared and raised it is an act of submission and an admission of
guilt. Each smack upon stinging smack serves to drive out the guilt until
only forgiveness is left.
I do not need to cry to feel this release- to forgive myself for my
transgressions. I rarely will when self-spanking. Writing this essay,
however, has me very close. I have never put to words any of my
reasoning- why I want to obey, why I set rules for myself or follow the
rules others set for me, why I self-spank. This is probably because
subconsciously I knew doing so has left me feeling vulnerable.
So thank you for suggesting I write this essay. I have a lot to think about.
Thank you, dear reader.
Essay writing can be a powerful reflective tool. An exercise in delving deep into your own mind, as you attempt to understand and explain the reasons you feel a certain way, and then grappling with the words that manage to express them.
I often set essays for those I discipline. I find they can be a highly effective means of education, especially when the student sits on her bare bottom, on a hard wooden chair, her sore cheeks still stinging from a spanking. And begins to write…
Your essay makes several very insightful points, on the power of
guilt and the necessity of self-forgiveness. Yet it is important these
strong feelings of self-criticism do not become self-loathing and
self-harm, and I feel the eroticisation of spanking helps temper these
strong emotions, a positive force preventing a drift to psychological
Like you say, you know the difference at the end. A spanking that is an act of self-forgiveness results in feelings of relief and positivity. Without that psychological lift, it is simply an act of physical self-harm, which would have only negative mental repercussions once the pain-induced endorphins wear off.
That’s why a good spanker always dispenses forgiveness, once the bottom is sore, the debt is paid. Misdemeanours never linger.
That’s why after a spanking, a naughty girl is a good girl again.