I’m assuming that your anxiety stems from feelings of shame and embarrassment, rather than concerns for your own personal safety. If you fear that a partner might not respect your boundaries, any kind of kinky play is risky. But assuming you feel safe with your partner, then I can assure you that the fantasies you’ve described are nothing out of the ordinary.
Everyone thinks their own fantasies are the weirdest, but that’s because they’ve imagined them in such intense detail for so long. Perhaps it’s because we never really get to look inside the heads of others, and see what really lurks inside their equally filthy imaginations.
In reality, the desire to cede control to a lover, to be enslaved, kidnapped or imprisoned for an evening is a common one. What stops most people acting it out is their fear of how they’ll be perceived. And it’s not just submissives who feel this anxiety, some who’d love to dominate their partners are wary of throwing away the mask of niceness they’ve worn, perhaps ever since they first met.
Imagine if your partner secretly fantasises about treating you as a sex slave, or tying you up in the basement, naked and blindfolded, with all three holes filled. How would you ever know?
“Tell me your most perverted fantasy”, you might challenge him.
And he’d tell you something just kinky enough to demonstrate he did have an erotic imagination, but bland enough that he wouldn’t risk being perceived as some kind of sexual monster.
“Er… I’d like to fuck you in the bottom”, he’d venture.
The opportunity to really remove your masks passes. And secretly you’re both rather disappointed.
Sometimes, in sensitive negotiations you need a proxy. A go-between.
Instead of asking your partner to bare their erotic soul to you, send them a story. Add a simple comment: “I loved this!”
You want to provoke him into asking the magic question: “Which bit?”
And then you tell him. Not your fantasy. Not what you want him to do to you. But the part of the story where you wish it had been you. Perhaps it’s the part where a slave is intimately inspected in the public marketplace before being bought and taken back to her new owner’s farm in chains.
Let your partner connect the dots. Let him find the parts that excite him too. There’s no need to justify or explain your fantasy in explicit detail, it can remain implicit. The story is just a starting point, a common frame of reference. Something you can improvise from.
“Hmmm. Maybe we should buy some cuffs…”
“Oh please Sir! Not the basement!”
Characters in erotic stories are like costumes for you to slip into. Ready-written screenplays that you can just act out, with an element of plausible deniability if needed, allowing you both to continue to pretend you’re nice and not at all perverted – if that’s what you need to.
You were both just playing a part. And the story told you to do it.