Search

Spanking Theatre

Spanking stories for the theatre between your ears

Tag

sexual confidence

Do you have any advice for someone who has been interested in spanking (being spanked) for a long time, but has always been too nervous to discuss it with partners? Any advice as well for someone who is in this position, but tends to have a more dominant personality in everyday life and has a hard time getting into a more submissive mindset despite wanting to? Love your page and all your stories!

This is such a common dilemma, I’m going to have to write a longer post on the subject soon.

But fundamentally, the challenge comes down to a single concept of profound psychological significance:

Intimacy is an act of immense vulnerability.

Intimacy is a bargain – we trade off the prospect of pleasure for the risk of  psychological or emotional hurt. If we decide we’d prefer not to experience that kind of discomfort, we play safe. 

I strongly recommend reading What Nice Men Don’t Say To Nice Women, a short essay on vulnerability written from the top’s perspective, but it equally well applies to those who’d like to be submissive.

It is telling that in your original question, you mention the mask you wear every day. Each of us are psychological icebergs, drifting through the turbulent ocean of life, with only the tiniest fraction of ourselves exposed to public scrutiny. And what is seen is carefully curated.

We men have many talents, but mind-reading is not one of them. That’s why the submissive young woman who says she’s been naughty and deserves a spanking is such a hot male fantasy. It is explicit permission to proceed – for your lover to transition from being your protector to your punisher.

Many do not find this easy, especially those who’ve spent a lifetime wearing a different mask.

My advice for those who find vulnerability difficult is to start opening up anonymously.

Anonymous social media provides a channel for you to message those you trust, and to start discussing what you desire. Openness breeds sexual confidence, a vital prerequisite before you’re ready to be vulnerable.

If you have a partner, ensure that you say the word spank in every encounter. No need to make a big deal of it. Normalise it.

It could be as simple as a gasped “spank me!” during sex. 

Or as provocative as “I touched myself thinking about you today. Was that naughty of me? Does that deserve a good spanking?”

Whatever you’re comfortable with.

If you desire spanking, begin to embrace it. Begin to uncover it.

Dare to be vulnerable again. 

I would like to say after reading your weird fantasy post it resonated with me. A new fantasy of mine is that I would be taken in by an older couple. I would follow rules and be subject to discipline when necessary. It’s a fantasy that I’m still working on to let develop and flourish in my mind but I thought it was a selfish fantasy, wanting to be taken in by a couple rather then one person, but it’s a fantasy, my fantasy and I cannot wait to have lots of fun imagining all possibilities

Most fantasies sound weird when written or uttered.

But as long as no-one is hurt, and consenting adults are involved, you have every right to your fantasy, and whether you decide to realise it or not.

Not every fantasy needs to be acted out, some might just be too uncomfortably awkward, or painful, or even hazardous (particularly if strangers are involved).

So it’s fine for that fantasy to remain in your imagination, to be expressed in whatever why you feel comfortable. For many it’s the scenes they imagine as they masturbate, or the stories or flirtatious messages they write. 

There is an element of selfishness in every fantasy, because it’s so personal to the owner. But the wonderful thing about human sexuality is that it isn’t a zero-sum game, where somebody wins and somebody loses.

Wonderfully, the chances are that there are many others out there in this huge complex world who share the counterpoint of your own fantasy. Lovely people who don’t consider your desire selfish, but who’ve been yearning to finding kindred kinky minds like you all this time…

Your Weird Fantasies

Everyone thinks their own fantasies are the weirdest, because they’ve imagined them in such intense detail for so long.

Perhaps it’s because we never really get to look inside the heads of others, and see what really lurks inside their equally filthy imaginations.

Perhaps it’s because our fantasies are fuelled by such powerful emotions.

Perhaps it’s because our fantasies feel so transgressive, when we’re usually so well-behaved.

Perhaps it’s because our fantasies are echoes from deep inside ourselves, which we only ever glimpse as shadows.

Until there comes a moment, perhaps after you’ve read enough stories, that you realise that maybe your fantasises aren’t actually that weird after all.

That your fantasies bring you immense satisfaction.

That your fantasies are sources of inexpressible joy.

You mentioned before that spanking partners should be ‘emotionally mature’. Please could you explain this further? Thanks.

To me, emotional maturity in a partner means she has a high level of self-esteem. That she is mature enough to know her own mind and her own sexual preferences, with the confidence to pursue her own desires.

To use the superhero cliche, with great power comes great responsibility, and assuming a sexually dominant role gives you a position of extraordinary power – it should be wielded carefully, and with great empathy.

I’d rather play with an equal – someone strong-willed, who I knew was submitting from a position of psychological strength, with her own identity, desires and fantasies.

Some have asked where I get my inspiration from. And in truth, it’s mostly through connecting with some wonderful individuals, whose brilliant minds have challenged and inspired my own imagination.

Sexual submissiveness is not about doing what you’re told. That’s mindless slavery. It’s about being confident enough to cede control, to take chances, and weave shared magic together.

I have been coming here since early 2013. I no longer have a tumblr account but I still frequent your page for both new and old content. Your stories have heavily influenced many of my fantasies and I imagine also the trajectory of my sex life as it exists now. So I’d like to thank you; for being a close friend for many years and for always being able to bring me to my knees, dripping, or over someone else’s. Sincerely, obediently, desperately yours, T x

How lovely to hear from you! It pleases me enormously that these stories have brought you such satisfaction and personal growth.

I wonder how many readers stumbled across this blog in its early days, many still feeling uncomfortably weird about how spanking made them feel?

I wonder how that feeling was changed by reading stories like Cosmopolitan, Throne of Shame, Abstract Art and Carrot and Stick?

I wonder how the written word aided your explorations and acceptance of your shadow selves?

To such early readers: I’d love to hear of your adventures since. How these stories influenced the trajectories of your own sexual experiences.

If you don’t have an active Tumblr account any longer, do feel free to drop me an email, or say hello via Twitter.

And I wish you all many more years of deep, fulfilling satisfaction.

When I first started exploring my kinky side, my then-girlfriend (now my Miss!) linked me to Pride And Obedience because she knows I love historical stories and I have a sort of training fantasy (learning positions, being expected to sit a certain way, acting a certain way in front of guests, etc.) It remains my favorite story of yours and your blog has helped me describe the things I’m interested in if I’m too shy or don’t know how to explain something I want!

I’m delighted these stories have helped you.

As I’ve written previously, acceptance and good examples are crucial in establishing and developing sexual confidence.

I know of many people whose erotic journeys that have started through the discovery or sharing of stories.

And each one fills my heart with joy.

You might like it too

Recently, I’ve been been talking with friends about how they got into kinky play, and how important a few supportive, non-judgemental friends were in their own journey of exploration. How valuable it was to have open-minded friends who didn’t kink-shame or recoil with horror when novices were brave enough to finally whisper the tamest details of their most secret fantasies.

How vital some form of acceptance was in establishing and developing their own sexual confidence.

Which got me thinking, I wonder how many of my own readers have experienced have had the subject of kinky play come up when talking with a friend?

Perhaps she’s casually mentioned how delightfully strict someone seemed, or lowered her voice to whisper to confess how a smack to her bottom once really made her feel.

Did you tell her it was OK?

Did you admit you felt the same way?

Or did you shyly murmur mock surprise?

Or did you say, there’s this blog I read, full of stories… you might like it too…

I wonder, how many have shared one of these stories with a friend? And what happened next.

I’d love to hear your experiences…

Hi, I love your blog and I enjoyed your last post about sexual confidence… I have an incredible shame of my kinks, to the point I cry when thinking about them and can’t talk about them at all. I’ve even troubles confessing them to myself. Once I found a girl with the same interests and confessed my kinks to her, but now our friendship is not sane anymore and I’m afraid to end it because she knows my secret… do you have any suggestions? I’m desperate. Thanks in advance

spankingtheatre:

I’m very sorry to hear that your kinky side is currently bringing you such sorrow, rather than joy.

But you are certainly not alone. All across the world there are people whose upbringing and social taboos have made them deeply ashamed of who they are, and how they feel.

What you’re experiencing now is no different to what generations of gay people  felt before coming out. That crushing sense of shame, a feeling of somehow being all wrong. Human beings are social animals, in the past, being cast out from the tribe could have been a lethal consequence of not fitting in. So we’re mentally wired to feel a deep unease when we don’t conform.

Being kinky, like being gay, is simply a sexual preference – albeit one that goes against the mainstream hetero-normal view of what sex “should be”. 

In 2017, no right-minded person would think of shaming someone for being gay. Society is more accepting of different sexual preferences now. Your challenge is to become more accepting of yourself – to build up your own esteem, to come to understand that your kinks make you unique and deeply interesting, not weird and dirty.

Please don’t develop an anxiety about people “knowing your secret”. I know people can be malicious, and sometimes what’s said or done in the bedroom can be used to bully and humiliate. But as I wrote in the post on sexual confidence, it’s an important life skill to learn to dismiss shamers and bullies.

“It’s a grown-up thing, man. You wouldn’t understand…”

Keep reading

Here’s a message worth repeating, for all those embarrassed and ashamed of what turns them on.

Many misinterpret the powerful erotic feelings of their sexuality as something bad, deviant or filthy. But really, eroticism is a thrilling energy. One of the most powerful creative urges you possess.

Your fantasies are a gift. Embrace them, harness them, enjoy them.

The Secret of Sexual Spontaneity

image

The secret to sexual spontaneity is… careful planning.

There’s a pernicious myth about sex. That it “just happens”. That everyone’s up for sex, all the time. That new and exciting bedroom activities are improvised on the spot, forged from the white hot furnace of our mutual sexual excitement.

None of these is really true.

Real life isn’t like a porn video, where you go from answering the door to orgasm in under 15 minutes. (If your life is like a porno, congratulations, you can stop reading now and get ready for your next fucking).

For the rest of us, we’d all like to be more spontaneous, to introduce new activities into our sexual relationships, to keep things hot and spicy. But what if you can’t think of anything?

It’s the lovers’ equivalent of writers block. You wrack your mind, trying to think up something kinkier, crazier or more intense. But that’s a tough challenge, and more often that not, you’ll find your mind going blank.

Don’t believe me? Then try this little experiment.

How many sex acts can you name?

Go on, just name them, say them aloud.

Soon, the images you summon to mind will run dry. You know there’s more, but you just can’t recall them. Dozens of ways to give oral sex. Hundreds of positions for fucking. That’s because our
minds aren’t build for that kind of remembering. That’s why we have
books and libraries and search engines. If we need to know something, we know we just need to look it up.

Hence spicing things up doesn’t necessary mean an escalation of being ever kinkier and filthier. But taking inspiration from elsewhere, incorporating ideas you’ve found, rather than just made up there and then. It might not sound sexy, but advance planning is actually pretty hot.

So, what do I mean by planning? Where do you get ideas? And how do you incorporate them into your sex life?

I’m going to let you in on a little sex secret…


Take turns planning a Sex Night

Yes, put it in your diaries. Good sex is important. Commit to it.

The idea of Sex Night is you and your partner will take turns being the instigator. If it’s your turn, you’ll gather ideas from pictures, videos and stories, source the necessary props, and then as the night unfolds, you’ll direct it, giving the appropriate instructions.

Taking turns being the instigator doesn’t mean you have to switch, (unless you both want to), so if one of you prefers to dom or sub, the instigator can plan activities accordingly. This is how I want you to dominate me, or this is how I want to submit to you. The point of taking turns is that both of you get to choose, and so introduce the other to activities that arouse you.

Here’s an example taken completely at random. It just happens to be at the top of my Tumblr feed right now.

He ties up his lover, blindfolds and puts headphones on her, playing music so she can neither see or hear. Then he strokes her, gently. He kisses her lips and then her breasts. He gags her moans with his hand as he caresses her, then runs an ice cube down her body. Only when her vulva is hot and swollen does he sooth it with the ice. Only then does he pleasure her with his tongue.

All that, from a single post!

Note how none of these activities is particularly original, surprising or excessively kinky. It’s seeing the combination of several simple erotic activities that’s so inspiring, because they’re so simple we know we’d be able to intimate them, and do them ourselves.

You could share the post with your partner, and whisper: this is what
I’m going to do with you tonight. Or, make it a surprise – and have them
think you’re some kind of super-creative sexual mastermind. After all, the dirty little
secret of Creativity is just being skilled at hiding your sources.

As you get more confident, you can use what you find as the basis for your own improvisations. If you like spanking, play the sound of a spanking scene through the headphones, let your partner imagine the scene they’re listening to, as if they’re in the same room facing the wall, waiting their turn. Every now and then, lift their headphones and whisper into their ear that they’ll be getting their bottom smacked soon.

Erotica and porn can be more than masturbation material, each scene is a potential sexual inspiration. Find what arouses you both, and enjoy the journey of mutual discovery.

Be inspired and have fun…

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑