I am very sorry to hear you suffered such brutal abuse, and that this wretched experience has tainted an aspect of your sexuality that is obviously so important to you.
But your trauma was caused by an abusive partner, not your love of spanking.
All those who suffer sexual assault have a right to regain sexual pleasure.
Mental wounds heal slowly, so it’s fine to take your time. I assume you began reading this blog because of the stories, and I hope these provide a safe space to reconnect with your spanking desires.
Allow yourself to fall in love with your spanking fantasies again, and remind yourself just how good a spanking can feel. The Beginners Guide to Self-spanking might provide a helpful sequence of activities to experiment with the sensations of smacking and the emotional reactions they provoke. Try journaling, and writing down what you experience, it can be a private diary.
Once you re-establish your comfort and confidence, you should be ready to think about spanking play with another partner. You need to be able to trust them, and they need to respect your safe word limits. Just start slowly and build up to the intensity you crave.
Best wishes, and I hope you enjoy your journey back to the wonderful world of spanking…
Once upon a time, you couldn’t stop asking questions.
Why is the sky blue? Why does this float and that sink? What do plants eat? How deep is the sea? Where does the sun go at night? The world was full of wonders, and there was a time we couldn’t wait to uncover its secrets. We were a curiosity cannon, unleashing a relentless barrage of hows, whys and whats.
And then, something changed. We started to become aware of the judgement of others. We stopped asking questions, beginning to worry more about what others would think of us. That our questions would actually reveal our own inner ignorance – that if we asked questions, others would think we were stupid.
But the truth is, the smartest folks I know are the ones who ask the most questions. And they’re often the simplest of questions too. Can you explain this to me? Why is this happening? Who benefits? What should we do?
Such people are smart because they’ve kept alive that youthful spirit of inquisitiveness. They just don’t care what others think. They’re too busy creating their own world, getting answers to the issues that matter to them.
Questions aren’t a sign of ignorance, but of insight. They’re a recognition that there’s a gap in our knowledge – and an opportunity to fill it.
Who hasn’t experienced sitting in a classroom where at the end of a lecture the teacher or speaker opens themselves to questions – only to be greeted with silence. Did everyone really understand it so perfectly?
To receive, we must ask, and raise our hands to request the information we need. Otherwise our destinies will be dictated to us, and you’ll find yourself living in a world shaped by the answers to other peoples’ questions.
As boosting sexual confidence has been a theme of this blog recently, throughout February I’m going to encourage you to ask more questions. And not just to me, try asking a question of anyone you follow and admire. If it’s very personal, you can ask anonymously and protect your privacy.
First, you must understand that her brattiness is part of the game, and not a problem to be fixed.
Most people are very well-behaved: they spend their whole lives being polite, respectful and courteous. But when they’re in private, with their most intimate acquaintances, they want to express a different side of themselves.
They want to be transgressive, they want to challenge the rules they’ve spent their entire lives studiously obeying. They want to push the boundaries, knowing full well there might be painful consequences beyond.
That’s why spanking is such a popular fetish. In my experience intelligent, ordinarily well-behaved ladies love fantasising about being naughty for once, and the prospect of someone strict holding them to account makes their panties wet.
Perhaps your partner likes to struggle, talk to her about what she desires. Perhaps she fantasises about being tied up, and being rendered helpless. Or for someone strict to see through her bratty little games and properly take control of her chaotic mind.
Likewise, if she’s struggling because she actually doens’t like being spanked. Then stop. Just because you’re sexually dominant does not earn you any special privileges. Her preferences are just as valid as yours.
Always remember that kinky sex is just adult play. It is not forcing your desires on your partner, it’s about transforming another human being’s deepest desires into something that brings pleasure to you both.
“There is more than one kind of freedom,“ said Aunt Lydia.
"Freedom to and freedom from.”
“In the days of anarchy, it was freedom to.”
”Now you are being given freedom from. Don’t underrate it.” ― Margaret Atwood, The Handmaid’s Tale
It seems bizarre, almost illogical.
Surely freedom of choice is a liberty to be cherished, why would one ever choose to give up such a precious right? What possible argument could there be against it?
Yet some think your freedom of sexual expression is dangerous.
Filthy, deviant and corrupting.
That your interests are digusting and shameful.
Politicians and internet companies have begun to suppress content they have unilaterally declared unsuitable. But subtly, of course. Your loss of freedom to is presented as being for your protection. For your own good. As we continue to be watched over by machines of loving grace.
Perhaps you really will be safer in the Disneyesque walled garden, less likely to be offended, or harrassed. After all, in Margaret Atwood’s brilliant parable, red-gowned maids can walk the streets in assured safety, precious assets protected by the threat of savage reprisals. Such societies have existed before, and will exist again. Is that a Faustian bargain you’d be prepared to make?
society is not as free thinking as it likes to think it is. For many internet companies, you can think what you like, as long as it comes from menu of approved, unthreatening, monetisable thoughts.
Why are those who run the digital forums on which we congregate so prudish? Why is sexuality considered so
negative, so harmful, that it needs to be suppressed and hidden?
The censorship recently announced by Tumblr, and already pursued by
other social networks like Facebook, is merely a symptom of a wider
trend. A tendency towards control, towards moral conservatism.
Free-thinkers built the internet, but perhaps we became complacent.
Politics is an expression of morality and ethics, the kind of society we build and the behaviour we tolerate. Perhaps the lifting of sexual taboos is a step too far for many, they fear the consequences of open sexual relationships and the erosion of the fairytale nuclear family.
Over 250 years ago, Benjamin Franklin gave his counsel on the matter, in one of his most famous aphorisms:
Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety.
Franklin grew up in a world shaped by Puritan Christianity. For him, the philosophy of Aunt Lydia wasn’t an abstract possibility, the Salem Witch Trails were still in living memory. Thinking too differently, especially if you were gay or promiscuous, might lead to the noose.
Such intolerance may seem like ancient history, but a new authoritarian populism driven by moral conservatism is rising, and its agenda is freedom from. Be in no doubt, it is the precusor to fascism. The only difference is fascists enforce the rules with physical violence.
It might seem like an over-reaction, but I never took the Culture War seriously until 2016. Now I wonder how I ever could have been so blind.
The censorship of sexuality might sound trivial compared with the big global challenges humanity currently faces, but as British lawyer Myles Jackman put it: “pornography is the canary in the coalmine of free speech“. It is symptomatic of a desire to monitor, intervene and control. Be aware of it, it doesn’t take long for today’s principles to be enshrined as tomorrow’s policies.
So before Tumblr drains the colour from our community, and drives away the members who made it so vibrant, here’s a few thoughts to ponder. A few principles to uphold and argue for, wherever you go next…
I believe sexual expression is healthy, not deviant.
I believe in freedom of choice, of expression, and thought.
I believe the flame of free-thinking must be kept alight.
I’m very sorry to hear that your kinky side is currently bringing you such sorrow, rather than joy.
But you are certainly not alone. All across the world there are people whose upbringing and social taboos have made them deeply ashamed of who they are, and how they feel.
What you’re experiencing now is no different to what generations of gay people felt before coming out. That crushing sense of shame, a feeling of somehow being all wrong. Human beings are social animals, in the past, being cast out from the tribe could have been a lethal consequence of not fitting in. So we’re mentally wired to feel a deep unease when we don’t conform.
Being kinky, like being gay, is simply a sexual preference – albeit one that goes against the mainstream hetero-normal view of what sex “should be”.
In 2017, no right-minded person would think of shaming someone for being gay. Society is more accepting of different sexual preferences now. Your challenge is to become more accepting of yourself – to build up your own esteem, to come to understand that your kinks make you unique and deeply interesting, not weird and dirty.
Please don’t develop an anxiety about people “knowing your secret”. I know people can be malicious, and sometimes what’s said or done in the bedroom can be used to bully and humiliate. But as I wrote in the post on sexual confidence, it’s an important life skill to learn to dismiss shamers and bullies.
“It’s a grown-up thing, man. You wouldn’t understand…”
I believe the key to good writing is embracing diversity. To create different characters and unexpected scenarios, and that means exploring the wonderful variety of human nature.
I’ve never wanted to just tell the same story over and over again, just with different names. I wanted to the explore what it means to be dominant or to be submissive, or subservient or obsessive or bewitched, and all the other intoxicating emotional states the human mind can conceive.
Being a straight male, I prefer my stories to involve a strong feminine presence, which is why I haven’t (yet) written any gay male spanking stories. But that’s just a matter of personal preference, I think the best stories are those that arouse their writers.
Spanking is an expression of our fundamental sexuality, the collision of physical force and interpersonal power. Because it’s non-penetrative, gender is irrelevant. Anyone can spank or be spanked, that’s the beauty of it. And why I love spanking.
The secret to sexual spontaneity is… careful planning.
There’s a pernicious myth about sex. That it “just happens”. That everyone’s up for sex, all the time. That new and exciting bedroom activities are improvised on the spot, forged from the white hot furnace of our mutual sexual excitement.
None of these is really true.
Real life isn’t like a porn video, where you go from answering the door to orgasm in under 15 minutes. (If your life is like a porno, congratulations, you can stop reading now and get ready for your next fucking).
For the rest of us, we’d all like to be more spontaneous, to introduce new activities into our sexual relationships, to keep things hot and spicy. But what if you can’t think of anything?
It’s the lovers’ equivalent of writers block. You wrack your mind, trying to think up something kinkier, crazier or more intense. But that’s a tough challenge, and more often that not, you’ll find your mind going blank.
Don’t believe me? Then try this little experiment.
How many sex acts can you name?
Go on, just name them, say them aloud.
Soon, the images you summon to mind will run dry. You know there’s more, but you just can’t recall them. Dozens of ways to give oral sex. Hundreds of positions for fucking. That’s because our
minds aren’t build for that kind of remembering. That’s why we have
books and libraries and search engines. If we need to know something, we know we just need to look it up.
Hence spicing things up doesn’t necessary mean an escalation of being ever kinkier and filthier. But taking inspiration from elsewhere, incorporating ideas you’ve found, rather than just made up there and then. It might not sound sexy, but advance planning is actually pretty hot.
So, what do I mean by planning? Where do you get ideas? And how do you incorporate them into your sex life?
I’m going to let you in on a little sex secret…
Take turns planning a Sex Night
Yes, put it in your diaries. Good sex is important. Commit to it.
The idea of Sex Night is you and your partner will take turns being the instigator. If it’s your turn, you’ll gather ideas from pictures, videos and stories, source the necessary props, and then as the night unfolds, you’ll direct it, giving the appropriate instructions.
Taking turns being the instigator doesn’t mean you have to switch, (unless you both want to), so if one of you prefers to dom or sub, the instigator can plan activities accordingly. This is how I want you to dominate me, or this is how I want to submit to you. The point of taking turns is that both of you get to choose, and so introduce the other to activities that arouse you.
Here’s an example taken completely at random. It just happens to be at the top of my Tumblr feed right now.
He ties up his lover, blindfolds and puts headphones on her, playing music so she can neither see or hear. Then he strokes her, gently. He kisses her lips and then her breasts. He gags her moans with his hand as he caresses her, then runs an ice cube down her body. Only when her vulva is hot and swollen does he sooth it with the ice. Only then does he pleasure her with his tongue.
All that, from a single post!
Note how none of these activities is particularly original, surprising or excessively kinky. It’s seeing the combination of several simple erotic activities that’s so inspiring, because they’re so simple we know we’d be able to intimate them, and do them ourselves.
You could share the post with your partner, and whisper: this is what
I’m going to do with you tonight. Or, make it a surprise – and have them
think you’re some kind of super-creative sexual mastermind. After all, the dirty little
secret of Creativity is just being skilled at hiding your sources.
As you get more confident, you can use what you find as the basis for your own improvisations. If you like spanking, play the sound of a spanking scene through the headphones, let your partner imagine the scene they’re listening to, as if they’re in the same room facing the wall, waiting their turn. Every now and then, lift their headphones and whisper into their ear that they’ll be getting their bottom smacked soon.
Erotica and porn can be more than masturbation material, each scene is a potential sexual inspiration. Find what arouses you both, and enjoy the journey of mutual discovery.
According to a 2014 survey of over 1,500 Canadian adults, 44% of men and 24% of women would like to spank someone else. So if you’re not interested in sex, that’s cool – you get to choose a partner from BOTH pools!
Of those who like spanking others, most will play as part of a sexual relationship. But not everyone. The most glorious thing about human sexuality is its diversity. As long as both partners consent, there is no right and wrong, just a spectrum of love and physical contact being expressed in different ways.
In my article “Why do you like spanking?”, I explain how spanking it fundamentally a form of adult play, and it doesn’t need to involve sex. I’d recommend it if you haven’t yet read it.
Contemporary culture seems to suggest everyone’s having sex, all the time. But this is not true. There are plenty of people who aren’t that bothered about sex, or prefer to experience sexual pleasure alone.
Lift up your eyes, and you’ll begin to see the possibilities. You might find a partner for spanking roleplay: ageplay and teacher/student scenes don’t need to be sexual. Or they might be your disciplinarian rather than a lover. They might be gay, and not into your gender, but still be happy to spank your bottom. Or they might not be into sex at all, just like you.
For many, spanking isn’t just an aspect of their sexuality, it is their sexuality. Be optimistic and open-minded, and opportunities will present themselves. Embrace who you are, and I wish you every happiness.